Brother Phil

 "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." [Psalm 126:3]

I remember the day I woke up and told my mom I needed a little brother. I was about twelve when I realized that one more girl wasn't going to fix anything. I needed a baby brother. I remember her explaining to me in no uncertain terms, that my request was an impossible one. For roughly one hundred different reasons, there would be no baby brother. Naturally, I decided to do what all children do when their mom says 'no' - I went over her head, and asked God instead.

So, I started praying for a little brother.

He didn't appear, didn't arrive, didn't turn up.

I insisted that God give me a baby brother.

No brother, and no brother and still no brother.

I reasoned with the Almighty, because I will argue with anyone, that I needed a little brother. 

He never arrived and eventually I gave up.

Time passed, things changed and last March my mom started dating,which was weird all on its own. But more importantly, she met Scott. I'll spare us both the details, but they fell in love, he got her a ring, now me and my sisters are wearing identical dresses. So it's like Easter of 2002 all over again.

If I'm being honest - and I'm being very honest today - this was bittersweet for me.

Not because we don't love Scott, because we do.
Not because he's trying to replace my dad, because he isn't.
Not because I wanted my mom to be alone forever, because I never wanted that either.

All those years ago, I wanted a baby brother, because I thought that would make my dad come home, that a little brother would keep my parents from getting a divorce. I begged and reasoned and rationalized because I thought I knew what we needed, I thought I knew how to fix it, and I was so frustrated that God wasn't listening to me. I believed all along that He could do it, He could give me a baby brother and bandage my broken family in the process. But the way I saw things, He just wouldn't.

My dad moved to New Mexico and never moved back in. My parents got divorced, and I quit praying for the little brother I was never going to get.

Mom is getting married today, to a man who deserves her, if anyone really can. I'm wearing this blue dress and probably crying, because I'm happy for them and Collins girls cry about everything. I have seen my mom struggle to do what's right, to stay strong in her faith, and still manage to raise three daughters all on her own. I think she's amazing and deserves to be loved by someone who is goofy, thoughtful and good.

But this really isn't a blog post about what it was like to watch my world be split apart, how we rebuilt our family, or painted the bathroom red. I am not the mouthpiece for this family, I can't tell you how anyone else is feeling today. I'm saying that today is special to me because God answered my prayers.

Today I got my little brother.

I didn't tell anyone, for a very long time why I wanted a brother. It was one of those secrets that you keep in your soul. But I wanted you to know, to understand with me how precious this brother of mine is. Our God is faithful, and in the midst of this big change for my family I have peace. He gave me the brother I thought I needed on the same day that He gave my mom what she needed too.

God knew better than to answer my demands for a quick fix and instead He provided in a way that I could've never seen. He turned heartache into healing, and answered my childish prayer along the way.

I don't know what you've asked for, way down in your soul that you don't tell people about, but I know Someone who does. My encouragement to you is that we have a Good Father, and He will give you the desire of your heart. Just not always the moment you ask for it, or even the way you think it should arrive.

Congratulations Mom and Scott!

Welcome to the family, Phil, I've been waiting on you for a while now.

The Debbie Voice

My mom's name is Debbie, in case you were wondering. I've been listening to her voice my entire life, and to celebrate Mother's Day this year, I decided to bring some of her greatest sayings to the internet, because she's spent a lot of time embarrassing me over the years. So here's some motherly advice for you this year...

"He'll never buy the cow if he gets the milk for free."

"Don't stick your lip out - a bird will poop on it."

"Butt is a cuss word."

"If it's meant to be, it will all work out."

"Crystals? Hmm... sounds New Age-y."

"What would you do if this semi suddenly lost control and all of those concrete cylinders rolled off?"

"You can't have a pet turtle, you'll get salmonella."

"Don't eat raw cookie dough, you'll get salmonella."

"You might want to hug a grizzly bear, but that would be unhealthy for you... some people are like that too."

"Don't pick up strangers with Olivia in the car."

"Gargle salt water."

"Bermuda shorts."

"Always bleach your bath towels."

"You'll know better next time."

I've  been listening to her voice my entire life, and now even when she's not here, I open my mouth and her words come out. The woman has a lot to say, and she generally says it pretty quickly. Imagine how much she's managed to tell me in the last 24 years; I know her words will be in my head as long as I live. Some of them will be what keeps me sane, and some of them will forever make me laugh. 

But I've been realizing lately that my mom's legacy has less to do with the things she's said and more to do with the example she's lived. See, even though I've been listening to her my whole life - I've been watching her just as long. I've watched her cook, put on her makeup, fold laundry, drive a car, mop a floor. I've watched her cry, pray, laugh, greet an enemy, grieve a loss, make impossible decisions. Sometimes I think the most important things she taught me were things she did instead of said. Someday I will forget the things she said, but I will always remember the way she lived. 

Dear moms, if you feel like they're not listening - you might be 100% right. But those stinking kids are still watching you, and your efforts are not in vain. Thank you to all the mothers who live out the call of Christ in their daily lives, even when it's tough. 

Mama of mine: thank you for your warmth, your laughter, your awful impressions and your rad dance moves. Thank you for teaching me how to tie my shoes, use a toilet, apologize, how to mow the lawn, paint my toes, spell my name, do what's right, work hard, how to love others, how to live like Jesus and thank you for praying through the days when I was not good at these things. Thank you for your hugs, your faith in me and for insisting that I know how to do my own laundry. It is by the grace of Jesus and your love that I am not a stripper. 

Love you Ma - Happy Mother's Day. 

- Emily

Also... We're still verrrryyy photogenic. 

4 Things I wish the Church had told me about marriage

 A lot of weddings are happening in my life this year, and our own 2 year anniversary is coming around the corner - whoa. So marriage is on my mind lately, and there are a few things I wish the Church had told me about being a Christian and being married. Specifically four. There are four big things.


I. It's more fun than dating: Why didn't you tell me this? Marriage is so much more fun than dating!!! It's awesome!!! But why didn't I know that when I was growing up? You can order the jumbo popcorn AND the sour patch watermelons at the movie theater, because you share bank accounts. You share inside jokes, secret hand gestures, failed dinner attempts and moments of worry and sorrow. When someone comes into your prayer life, you get to celebrate together the good things that God has done, and even the small ways you see Him working.

II. It's a picture of the Gospel: No one ever explained this to me. I heard a lot about submission and respect, but no one ever made the connection. Christians get married to live out the Gospel through love for one another - wow, awesome. I didn't even consider this growing up, but someone told us early on that our marriage was our #1 ministry. That's a weird way to think about it when your husband is a youth minister, because it definitely feels like our #1 ministry is YOUTH ministry. But over the summer I got a glimpse of what this can mean. One of our girls had taken my phone out and was flipping through pictures of Garrett and I. At one point she stopped on this one picture and started crying, which honestly isn't all that unusual for Jr. High girls. But eventually she told me the story of her parents' rocky relationship and ended by saying 'I can tell you know he loves you'. It hit me right in the gut. I take for granted so often the hope and assurance I have in my marriage, but it spoke to this Jr. High girl. That's the picture I want her to have of how Jesus loves her, that's how I want her to feel when she puts her faith in Him. Our marriage should tell a story full of grace and security, it should be a reflection of how Christ loves His own Bride. I keep that picture handy to remind me of our end goal: that others would know Christ's love through the way we love each other.

III. Don't marry someone who is a good dad: I hear it a lot. You probably have too. But what if you don't have kids? What if you have kids and they grow up and move out? What then? If you married him because he was going to be such a good dad, the moment your kids have left the house - he has served the extent of is purpose. Marry someone you want to have kids with, but make sure you're looking at more than that. If you marry a good man, he's going to be a good dad.

IV. It's not forever: Yikes. What? No, seriously. Why don't we talk about this? There is no marriage in Heaven, and when you think about your marriage as being a picture of the Gospel - it makes sense. We won't need reminders of the Gospel when we are living with Jesus forever. Treasure this time you have together, but also understand that it's not forever - live accordingly.

I share all of this with you because growing up, I came from a broken family and I was looking for these answers. I'm with kids every week who come from different family backgrounds and histories, but they gather in one place - the church. It's our privilege to teach our youth what marriage means to the Body of Christ and what makes it different than what the world says about two people getting married.

Marriage is awesome, its important. Make your marriage your ministry.

With Love,

Emily LeVault

7

I would like to begin this blog by telling you: I'm tired.

I am so stinkin' tired.

I am tired of checking Facebook. I am tired of trying to stay trendy. I am tired of how much good food I let go to waste, how many pairs of shoes I own, and how many paper towels I use on the daily. I am tired of having the impulse to get the biggest, sweetest, most caffeinated thing at the coffee shop. I'm tired of patting myself on the back for reading my Jesus Calling devotional every morning. I'm tired of this ridiculous belief that I need more stuff.

It's exhausting. Seriously. And it's weighing on me.

This blog post was supposed to be about something else entirely. But then I finally sat down and read this book 7 by Jen Hatmaker - and I have to do something. And I wanted to invite you to join me or at least watch me struggle.

If you haven't heard of it, 7 is written by this crazy woman who speaks my language and it is a seven month lifestyle experiment. Essentially, it's a crusade against excess covering seven different areas:

Month 1: Food
Month 2: Clothes
Month 3: Possessions
Month 4: Media
Month 5: Waste
Month 6: Spending
Month 7: Stress

Some of you are slowly backing away from the computer. I can feel it. I kind of am too. It's uncomfortable. I don't want to sort through these things. I like them the way they are because it's comfortable.

But there's something in my soul that wants more.

Not more, in a trenta-cinnamon-dolce-latte kind of way.

More in a what-does-Jesus-want-from-me kind of way.

And yes, my immediate excuse was "I know what Jesus wants, and I am doing my best!"

But honestly? I'm tired of that excuse, too. I'm not doing my best. I'm punching my card as a positive, prayerful person and then doing what I want with the rest of my life. I'm tired of it. I want more. I want to know what Jesus has for me on the other side of excess. I want him to break my heart, and show me what He cares about. And I think some of that is going to come through this experiment.

I know some of you are currently pulling your bag of tortilla chips closer and closer to your chest. I see you, and my heart cries out for you. These are my chips, my fridge full of food, my closet full of clothes - I do not want to give any of my comforts up.

But why?

Why can't I let go?

That's why I'm writing this blog. Because I read this book in under two hours, sobbing my way through this woman's story of sacrifice and change - and then I said in my heart "But I couldn't do that."

Because...

• My friends and I like to go out to eat
• I love clothes, and Pinterest, and Zulily
• I just got a full time job and I want to enjoy that beautiful new paycheck to the fullest
• We just moved into a house, I finally have enough room for my stuff 
• I hate recycling
• And I love social media
• I don't even want to talk about dealing with my time management skills

No thank you.

As soon as that thought came to me, "I couldn't do that", I felt so ridiculous and then I quickly felt ashamed.

Why? Why, Emily?

Because I secretly believe I deserve the things that I have, and I should get to enjoy them without thinking about the kids that are hungry down the street and I shouldn't be guilted into sharing my wealth by some hippie Christian experiment.

But if I am being as truthful as I can be... I'm so tired of the excess, of the utter gluttony I see in my life. And I want something more.

So here I go, dear people of the internet. I am starting this experiment March 1st, 2016. Expect updates. You will be updated.

If you want to join me in my quest, if you want to watch me suffer, or you just can't look away from my strangeness here's the 7 blog that I'll update more frequently as I journey.

This blog post was supposed to be about my friend Mo, and how she handles life like a champ. I could go on for hours about that fact, instead I will just tell you this:

I called Morgan in the middle of chapter three, crying over how much I spent on an Easter dress this year and asking her to walk with me through the next 7 months of crazy. This is utterly the smallest thing I have ever asked her to walk with me through, and she has never balked. Also roughly the 1,000th time I have called her in tears - she has yet to hang up.

If it sounds like I've lost my mind, I count it a good thing; but feel free to call Garrett to make sure I'm not left alone for too long.

I hope this blog bothers the crap out of you. In the friendliest way possible.

With love,

Emily LeVault

Emily's 10 under $10

The beginning of the year is all about making changes, setting new goals and eating salad. So as you're choosing new habits and kicking old ones, I would like to give you my top ten life-changing items under $10!

1. Head lamp: useful for camping, refereeing glow-in-the-dark-dodgeball, and patrolling capture the flag.

2. Peek-a-boo barn: scoff all you like, there is no faster, more sure fire way to appease unhappy toddlers in your vicinity, plus they then view you as the person who has the fun game on their phone, and are therefore more excited to see you.

3. Battery powered socks: this basically saved our marriage, and our heating bill. My feet are warm, the rest of the house is cold, Garrett doesn't throw up when the gas bill comes in.

4. Dollar shave club: it's actually really, really cheap, easy and smart. Go Google it...

5. A succulent: I named mine Rosie, because she is not, in fact, a rose.

6. The grocery clip: which has been the most underrated invention of our generation.

7.  The Norwex face clothe: officially more effective than any face wash I have ever tried.

8. Sally Hansen's 2-step gel nail polish: it lasts forever!!!

9. McAllister's Iced Tea: run, don't walk! A McAllister's just opened in Springfield, and it will rock your world.

10. An adult coloring book: sometimes it's good to force yourself to sit down and do something that is unproductive. If you're like me, it sounds awful- but give it a chance. 

The beginning of the year sometimes seems vast and intimidating. I feel pressure to make resolutions and do Jillian Michael's workout videos. 

But I have two thoughts to share before you force yourself to eat anymore kale. 

A) Too much change is not a good thing. Your sweet brain and all the beautiful chemicals and connections within it need time when navigating change. So don't overload it.

B) Resolutions are often self-degrading. Doing small kindnesses for yourself will make a big difference in the way you feel about everyday life. It doesn't have to be a vacation, or a new car - it can actually just be a succulent that you keep in the window. Be kinder to you this year. 

With Love,

Emily LeVault

P.S. I think my New Years resolution is to hang out with more kittens. Just look at it. 

37 things I learned this year

I love traditions. I like to keep track of change and growth. And my sister is getting married in less than two days so my creativity is a little frazzled. So here's 37 things I learned this year:


1. Moving sucks. On all levels. At every point. From wrestling the packing tape onto boxes, to the painful goodbyes. Moving Sucks.

2. Growing out your bangs takes way more time that I thought.

3. Graduation gowns make no sense. I bought this awesome dress so that I could cover it with the polyester equivalent of a garbage bag.

4. Ummm guacamole is awesome!!! Why didn't I know this before now???

5. When your mom gets a boyfriend, it's pretty equal parts of gross and cute.

6. My wedding cake was delicious. Again - why didn't I know this before?

7. Most of the experimental frappuccino flavors were awful. Just sayin'.

8. How to play Dominion. It's nerdy, but it's fun. But mostly only if you're a nerd.

9. Luke really likes ice cream. I probably should've guessed this, but it's a new thing for us this year.

10. It's okay to work a job that you don't love, so that you have health insurance for the person you do love.

11. I really miss my job at the YMCA.

12. There is a TON of paperwork involved when buying a house. If you're wondering where the rainforest went - it's in my loan application.

13. How to make a pour over coffee... or is it just 'a pour over'. Obviously I didn't learn the lingo.

14. Justin Bieber isn't all bad. This new album is pretty cool.

15.  The difference between Dementia and Depression in older adults. Often misdiagnosed.

16. The greatest class I ever took in college was American Military History, in my very last semester, in the town of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Who would've thought.

17. How to DIY a kimono.

18. Make sure you measure twice for curtains and couches.

19. How to put up a tent in the woods... you call Mom. That's how.

20. Meme apps are the best. Especially if you have an ugly crying face picture of your sister. Or you create a pig named Pablo.

21. Having a fake son for a week was way easier than you all make parenting out to be.

22. I don't know why my mom didn't kill me before I made it to adulthood.

23. How to use a selfie stick.

24. This whole pulling trend with coconut oil is just gross, and I can't do it.

25. How to lose your mind at the Vera Bradley Annual Sale, and then suddenly regain your sanity when you get your total at the checkout. Ouch.

26. Time with people I love became more valuable this year.

27. I don't need more clothes.

28. Avatar the last Airbender is on Amazon Prime Video.

29. Donuts fix just about anything. Except obesity.

30. Trust your husband. He may just come  home with a fantastic couch. But also send Shea with him. That helps too.

31. To be loved by a good man is more rare than I thought.

32. Dysons really are better.

33. The cassette tapes I listened to as a kid are now available on iTunes.

34. Apple Music may be better than Spotify, but love is love. And I love Spotify.

35. If I was brave enough, I could pull off maroon lipstick. I'm just not that brave.

36. Krispy Kreme is not Dunkin Donuts. Krispy Kreme will never be Dunkin Donuts.

37. The older I get, the faster time passes.

Coolest year ever. Seriously. Starting in total confusion, and ending in a home - my own home - in a town full of people I love, in a place where I belong and thirty minutes away from my mom. That's a pretty big leap folks, and I'm still reeling from it to be honest. How could this all have been just one year?

Thank you for being part of my year.

With Love,

Emily LeVault

That thing he said about you

I've made a few mistakes in life (maybe more than a few...), and one of them included dating someone I just shouldn't have. Right now you might be wondering why I bring this up, you might be grossed out, or you might be afraid this is going to be one of those cathardic, way-too-personal-posts.

Deep breath. Stick with me.

A few weeks ago, something really cool happened. I heard this same guy had recently dumped someone else. For whatever reason, I decided I would call that girl.

It's weird, I know. But it felt like something I needed to do.

It was the coolest seven minute conversation I've ever had, and I spent all of it telling her the things I wish someone had told me when I got dumped.

I also realized, it's probably time to take my own advice.

And because we are tight [you and me, here on the internet] I think you need to hear it too.
If you hate it, just ignore it. Otherwise, listen up.

This is not a roast. Even though that could be fun, in a mean-girl-Emily-minus-Jesus-kind-of-way. I'm not roasting this guy.

I will tell you that I don't think about him often, but when I do, only a few words come to mind. It's something he pointed out to me while we were dating, that has been stuck in my head long afterwards:

"You have no personality."

If you didn't chuckle, please feel free to chuckle. Because it's funny. It's a stupid comment, that is so very, very false, for about a million reasons.

Psychology taught me that people are born with personality, that genetics give us personality traits that are evident within the first year of life. Nature and Nurture come together to develop the good, the bad and the ugly within us. A person would have to be nonexistent, to have never ever existed, in order to have no personality.

I know this.

My brain knows this.

I have a piece of paper from Purdue University that says I know this.

But for some reason, I've carried those words around in my head for way too long.

I have allowed them to rent space in my thoughts, in my doubts, to creep out when I was about to go into a job interview, on my first date with Garrett, even when I thought about starting a blog.

Those words someone else had spoken over me, "You have no personality" had me wondering if other people would think the same thing. Would I fall flat? Would I ever be able to communicate what I think and feel? Do people understand what I'm passionate about, what I love, what I hate? Because according to this lie I've let hang out in my heart, I have no personality.

I called that girl because a part of me knew that she too was in the midst of holding onto something she shouldn't.

And I wanted to tell her one thing before it was too late: No one else decides who you are. Not boyfriends, not bosses, not parents, professors, grades.  

None of them.

Maybe I'm just a little nuttier than the rest of you, but I doubt it. So that phrase that's popped into your head while you were reading this - let's get rid of it.

A fantastic way to stop negative self-talk and the cycle of negative thoughts is to memorize a Counter Truth. A Counter Truth is exactly what is sounds like; you need to contradict that negativity with something positive, until you believe it. It needs to be specific and ruthless.

Get serious with your brain. It's yours. You need to take every thought captive. Because if you can cut out gluten and sugar and dairy and post all over my newsfeed about it - then you can do this too.

That thing he said about you, it is not who you are.

Even if it's true. Because maybe what they labeled you with, came from some grain of truth.

Same principle stands.

No one else gets to be the end-all be-all of who you are.

If you're breathing, you've got time to change. You decide who you are, not Joe Smoe. And not the jerk who dumped you.

There is One who made you, who created the DNA that dictates that personality of yours. He knows you. He defines you. You are Beloved, that is your name.

Today, I can laugh at what this person said about me. I am ridiculously fiesty, adorable and hilarious. I'm stinkin' delightful. You would have to be blind, deaf and dead to miss my personality.

But honestly? I can tell you that for weeks afterwards I was scrambling to find my personality, because he'd told me I didn't have one. And I don't want that for you.

Scariest thing ever: my baby sister, Lou, is on the dating scene. Yikes. And she's on my mind as I write this. I don't want her to hold onto to this nonsense that might be spoken over her. I don't want that for our youth kids, my mom, or for you. But I can't get in your brain and sort out the ugly stuff. That's up to you.

So go forth and kick butt, friends. It's even more important than being gluten-free.

*P.S. I'm not a licensed Psychologist, so do not replace valuable mental health treatment from a professional with my goofy blog post. 

With Love,

Emily LeVault